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Children respond to death different
way as adults do. Their normal reaction is more natural, inquisitive and diverse.
How the child responds depends on the strength of the bond with a pet, as well
as child’s age and developmental stage. We may be astonished how much our child
does know about death. The universal subject of passing away is known to a child
through fairy-tales, legends, TV, movies, or schoolmates and friends.
Basia with Terrence, 2013
The death of a child’s beloved
pet matters a great deal in child’s life. It is often the first death
experienced by a child. Children naturally develop strong attachments to
companion animals, relating them often as siblings, playmates, and even
imaginary protectors. Although children experience grief differently than
adults, they do grieve. They need support and guidance to understand their
loss, to mourn that loss, and to find ways to remember and memorialize their
deceased loved one. Children look to us for guidance in word as well action.
The death of a beloved pet presents an emotional stress, even for a
well-adjusted adult. Thus, it is important for adults to access grief supports
for themselves, in order to deal with their emotions and be more effective
parents for their children. Also, we must avoid projecting our own over
concerns on a child, creating problems that would not have otherwise existed. Children
see tears and grief, and they learn from total immersion what grief means. We
shouldn’t try to protect them from the reality, but let them share their feelings
and hear something about ours, to a reasonable degree - according to their
maturity and ability to understand. This will help them to know that grief is
normal and is acceptable, in whatever loss they are experiencing. We should teach
the kids that ultimately, all life is change and growth. That is a very hard
lesson to learn, but a necessary one. They need to understand that tears in a
loving and understanding environment can help people get past the worst of the
sadness. And through experience they will later learn that time will always
help make things feel better. How the whole situation is handled will remain
with the child for the rest of his or her life.
Hamster Terrence andBasia, 2014
Age Developmental Stages of Grieving
2-3 Year Olds…
… do not have the life
experiences to understand death. They should be told the pet has died and will
not return. It is important that they be reassured that they did not do or say
anything to cause the death. Children at this age may not understand what death
really means, but they will sense and copy your emotions and behavior. Note
that it is good to cry and show your own feelings of grief, but these must be
controlled and perceived as a normal response to the loss of a loved one. Extra
reassurance, as well as maintaining usual routines will help the child. At this
age a child will usually accept a new pet very easily.
Terrence, 2013
4-6 Year Olds…
…usually have some understanding
of death but may not comprehend the permanence of it. They may even think the
pet is asleep or continuing to eat, breathe and play. They may also feel that
past anger towards their pet, or some perceived bad behavior was responsible
for its death. Manifestations of grief may include a change in playing, eating
and sleeping habits. Through frequent, brief discussions allow the child to
express feelings and concerns. Give extra reassurance. Drawing pictures and
writing stories about their loss may be helpful. Include the child in any
funeral arrangements.
Basia with Terrence, 2014
7-9 Year Olds…
… know that death is
irreversible. They do not normally think this might happen to them, but they
may be concerned about the death of their parents. They are very curious and
may ask questions that appear morbid. These questions are natural and are best
answered frankly and honestly. At this age they may manifest their grief in
many ways, such as school problems, anti-social behavior, somatic or physical
concerns, aggression, and withdrawal or clinging behavior. It is important that
they be reassured that they did not do or say anything that caused the death.
Terrence, 2014
Basia forher Terrence, 2014
10-11 Year Olds…
… are usually able to understand
that death is natural, inevitable and happens to all living things. They often
react to death in a manner very similar to adults, using their parent’s
attitude as their model. A pet’s death can trigger memories of previous losses
of any kind, and this should always be open for discussion.
Basia with Terrence, 2013
Adolescents…
… react similarly to adults.
However, the typical adolescent span of expression can range from apparent
total lack of concern to hyper-emotional. One day they want to be treated like
an adult, and the next day they need to be reassured like a young child. Peer
approval is also very important. If friends are supportive, it is much easier
for them to deal with a loss. Also, keep in mind that an adolescent is trying
to find his or her own true feelings, and may be prone to conflict with a
parent on how to express feelings and grief, at this time. It is important to
avoid antagonisms over this.
Terrence, 2013
Young Adults…
… can hardly be called children,
the loss of a pet in this age group can be particularly hard. They may also
have feelings of guilt for abandoning their pets when leaving home for college,
work or marriage. There may have been a very close relationship with that pet
since early childhood. Among other pressures experienced after the departure
from home, this can add additional stress. Due to geographical distances, they
are often unable to return to the family home to say goodbye to the pet or
participate in family rituals associated with the loss.
Basia with Terrence, 2014
Sharing a book about the Loss of a Pet can
provide comfort to a child of different age
Especially with the young children you have to be very
sensitive, take time to get back to the routine, prepare the child for the new
chapter, engage the child in organizing the room, choosing the backpack or
school equipment, organize a play date with the old school friends, walk to see
the school building, read a letter from the new teacher, build the excitement,
tell stories about yourself, find good books about other kids staring the school,
talk about feelings, expectations, fires.
Grand Turk Island, 2013
Check some more specific steps how to reduce your
child's anxiety and stress:
Teach
to face the fear, rather then run away.
Let me Try, 2011
When we are afraid of situations
we avoid them. However, avoidance of anxiety-provoking situations maintains the
anxiety. Instead, if a child faces his or her fears, the child will learn that
the anxiety reduces naturally on its own over time. The body cannot remain
anxious for a very long period of time so there is a system in the body that
calms the body down. Usually your anxiety will reduce within 20-45 minutes if
you stay in the anxiety-provoking situation.
Teach
that it’s fine not to be perfect.
Children Museum of Art, NY 2012
Often we feel that it is necessary
for our children to succeed in sport, school, and
performance situations. But sometimes we forget that kids need to be kids.
School becomes driven by grades, not by enjoyment of learning if an 85 is good,
but not good enough. This is not to say that striving is not important. It is
important to encourage your child to work hard but equally important to accept
and embrace your child's mistakes and imperfections.
Teach
how to stay positive.
Happy Me, 2010
Many times anxious and stressed
children can get lost in negative thoughts and self-criticism. They may focus
on how the glass is half empty instead of half-full and worry about future events.
The more that you are able to focus on your child's positive attributes and the
good aspects of a situation, the more that it will remind your child to focus
on the positives.
Teach
to take time to relax.
Resting Time, 2010
Children need time to relax and be
kids. Unfortunately, sometimes even fun activities, like sports, can become more
about success than they are about fun. Instead, it is important to ensure
that your child engages in play purely for the sake of fun. This may include
scheduling time each day for your child to play with toys, play a game, play a
sport (without it being competitive), doing yoga, paint, have a tea party, put
on a play, or just be silly.
Model
approach behavior, self-care, and positive thinking.
Performing, 2012
Your child will do what you do. So
if you avoid anxiety-provoking situations, so will your child. If you face your
fears, so will your child. If you take care of yourself and schedule time for
your own needs, your child will learn that self-care is an important part of
life. If you look for the positive in situations, so will your child. Children
learn behaviors from watching their parents. So when you think about your
child's psychological well-being think about your own as well.
Always reward
for a brave behavior.
Niagara Falls, 2011
If your child faces his or her
fears, reward this with praise, a hug, or even something tangible like a
sticker or a small treat. This is not bribery if you establish this as a
motivator prior to your child being in the situation. If you reward behaviors
your child will engage in them more often.
Teach good sleeping pattern.
Healthy Sleep, 2013
Set a bed time for your child and
stick to that bed time even on weekends. Also have a 30-45 minute bed
time routine that is done every night. This helps your child to
transition from the activities of the day to the relaxed state necessary to
fall asleep.
Teach your child to express his/her anxiety.
"Angry Girl" by Basia P., 2012
Let's Talk, 2013
If your child says that he or she
is worried or scared, don't say "No you're not!" or "You're
fine." That doesn't help your child. Instead, it is likely to
make your child believe that you do not listen or do not understand
him/her. Instead, validate your child's experience by saying things like
"Yes, you seem scared. What are you worried about?" Then have a
discussion about your child's emotions and fears.
Help
your child to solve a problem.
Vietnam, 2013
Once you have validated your
child's emotions and demonstrated that you understand your child's experience
and are listening to what your child has to say, help your child to problem
solve. This does not mean solving the problem for your child. It
means helping your child to identify possible solutions. If your child can
generate solutions, that is great. If not, generate some potential
solutions for your child and ask your child to pick the solution that he or she
thinks would work best.
Stay
calm.
Science Museum, NY 2012
Children look to their parent to determine how
to react in situations. We've all seen a young child trip and fall and then
look to their parent to see how to react. If the parent seems concerned, the
child cries. This is because the child is looking to their parent for a signal
of how to react to the situation. Children of all ages pick up on their
parent's emotions and resonate with them. If you are anxious, your child will
pick up on that anxiety and experience an increase in his/her own
anxiety. So when you want to reduce your child's anxiety, you must manage
your own anxiety. This may mean deliberately slowing down your own speech,
taking a few deep breaths to relax, and working to ensure that your facial
expression conveys that you are calm.
Teach your child relaxation exercises
Thailand, 2013
Sometimes really basic relaxation
exercises are necessary to help your child to reduce their stress and anxiety.
This might mean telling your child to take a few slow, deep breaths (and you
taking a few slow breaths with your child so your child can match your pace).
Or it might mean asking your child to image him or herself somewhere relaxing,
like the beach or relaxing in a backyard hammock. Ask your child to close
his/her eyes and imagine the sounds, smells, and sensations associated with the
image. For example, close your eyes and picture yourself on a beach. Listen to
the sound of the surf as the waves come in and go out. In and out. Listen
to the sound of the seagulls flying off in the distance. Now focus on the feel
of the warm sand beneath your fingers and the sun warming your skin. Your child
can do these techniques on his or her own during anxiety-provoking times.
Never give up!
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, 2013
Anxiety and stress can be a
chronic struggle and often the source of a child's anxiety changes over time so
it can feel as though you are always putting out fires. With repetition of the
anxiety and stress management techniques, your child will learn how to
lower his/her anxiety level and how to cope with anxiety-provoking situations.
The key is repetition so keep it up!
Thailand, 2013
Vietnam, 2013
Parents should be concerned and look for the professional
assistance if their child regularly complains about feeling sick or often asks
to stay home from school with minor physical complaints. In some cases the
child may simply refuse to leave the house. The child's panic and refusal to go
to school is very difficult for parents to cope with, but these fears and
behavior can be treated successfully, with professional help.
Resources:
Anxiety Disorders Association of America: www.adaa.org
At the first week of the new
school year, patiently waiting for a bell to ring, scrambled in a small school yard
I found many kids smiling, laughing, hugging, jumping for joy or the one who were like
my daughter, frowning, crying, hiding behind or pulling on my jacket. I couldn't
believe my eyes. I didn't understand what had happened to my jolly girl.
Becoming a Junior Ranger in Grand Canyon, 2013
I knew the fact that going to
school is usually a thrilling and enjoyable occurrence for many children but for some alarming and frightening.
With the cousins, Poland, 2013
I knew that refusal
going to school often begins following a summer fun vacation, a relaxing holiday
break, a period of staying at home due to brief illness.
MMI, Phoenix, Plying Theremin, 2013
I knew that it also
may follow a stressful occurrence, such as a change in schools, or a move to a
new neighborhood. It was not our case.
Science museum, Warsaw, Making fire, 2013
I knew that not wanting to go to school
may occur at anytime, but is most common in children 5-7 and 11-14, times when
children are dealing with the new challenges of elementary and middle school.
With the Grandparents, Poland, 2013
I
also knew that some children may suffer from a paralyzing fear of leaving the safety
of their parents and home, that they may complain of a headache, sore throat, stomachache or vomit shortly before it is time to leave for school, and that the symptoms
subside after the child is allowed to stay home, only to reappear the next
morning before school.
With the friends, Poland, 2013
Knowing the facts, my daughter’s
age and character I tried to prepare her for a shortly approaching school year.
As a mindful parent and educator I went by the book and followed all the steps
below:
took time to get back to the routine,
prepared for changes by announcing them gradually showing
my excitement,
engaged her in organizing the room, choosing own
backpack and school equipment,
organized a play date with the old school friends,
walked to see the school building,
read a letter from a new teacher,
talked about feelings, fires and solutions,
told stories about my experience when I was a child
and the happy outcomes,
read books about other children starting a school, moving
to a new places, meeting new friends.
Swimming, Arizona, 2013
As a New Yorker I did it all in a
super speedy way, shortening it to one weekend. Guess what? It didn't work.
I learned the hard way. All the symptoms I've mentioned above I saw in my 6
year-old daughter.
At the Grand Canyon, 2013
What did I do wrong? - Time management. What did I learned? I
learned that no mater what happens around us, we must give our child as much
time as she/he needs for the good healthy transition. After tree weeks of
school and three weeks from our arrival to NY we are slowly coming back on the
truck.
Pracuję w Poradni,
która rozszerza swoją działalność o interwencję kryzysową. Niestety dział ten nie
jest jeszcze w Polsce szczególnie rozwinięty i szczerze mówiąc brakuje nam
procedur postępowania w sytuacjach kryzysowych. Zaczynamy współpracę oraz
szkolenia z Wydziałem Zarządzania Kryzysowego i w związku z tym musimy określić
konkretne zasady działania w tych sytuacjach. Jak to wygląda w Stanach? Kto zajmuje
się interwencją kryzysową? Czy są ustawy i
procedury postępowania w takich sytuacjach? Np. Kto i w jaki sposób
pomagał podczas huraganu Sanday?
Moja Odpowiedz:
Pytanie jak i całe zagadnienie jest rozległe i bardziej
skomplikowane, dlatego też pozwolę sobie dolączyć kilka linków i zachęcić do
zapoznania się z tymi stronami.
W Stanach Zjednoczonych interwencją kryzysową w przypadkach
klęsk żywiołowych zajmuje się wiele organizacji rzadowych i pozarządowych.
W przypadu kryzysów rodzinnych wynikających na skutek
dramatycznych przeżyć wojennych – weterani i ich rodziny, ataku terorystycznego
– zakładnicy i ich najbliźsi, pożarów – strażacy i ich kamraci, itp. jest podobnie.
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/ to amerykańska
strona rządowa, gdzie można uzyskać waszelkie informacje o pomocy w Zespole
Stresu Pourazowego - Posttraumatic
Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Mam nadzieję , że powyższe informacje choć po części
udzielą odpowiedzi na pytania dotyczące interwencji kryzysowych i
Zespołu Stresu Pourazowego (PTSD).
After Hurricane Sandy, for five long days and dark nights, trapped on the 16th floor, in a Manhattan
apartment, without power, heating or water but with a full of energy, five year old girl. We had plenty time, an old, kerosene
lamp, known in Britain
as a paraffin lamp, flash lights and a battery operated radio with a CD player.
Except of healthy walking up and down the stairs, caring
water each time to fill up our water supplies we were checking flooded areas in
the South Street Seaport, learning and expressing compassion, observing consequences
and looking for the solutions for the future.
We had a chance to complete many educational and engaging activities.
Set up
the stage (curtains, decoration), instruments and sits for the audience.
Create
a story, prepare a transcript and puppets.
5.Listen
to audio books along with texts, for instance: Listen & Learn Series by
Berryland Books, http://www.berrylandbooks.com/,
e.g. “Little Red Riding Hood”, Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs”, etc.
Follow
text with a finger and turn pages on time.
Retell
a story.
6.Play
with fridge magnets.
Practice
simple math.
Spell
words.
Create
and tell stories.
7.Learn to count from 0 to 100 and practice writing the numbers.
12.Read
interactive books by Greenhouse Publication to exploit the power of visual
strategies to associate a picture with word, label, sequence and create
sentences. http://www.greenhousepub.com/index.html
Camera.
Materials: small box, seizures, black marker, tracing paper, brown paper glue, pin.
Color.
Materials: paper, seizures, red,
blue and green markers, pin.
Energy.
Materials: paper, seizures, string,
hot air.
Light.
Materials: hands, flashlight.
Gases.
Materials: bottle, vinegar,
soda, balloon.
Telephone.
Materials: 2 cups, string.
15.Make the Halloween
decorations.
Masks
A pompon
spider family.
Ghosts.
Decorate
pumpkins.
Record
Halloween massages.
16.Make a
foliage book out of leave prints - “Twirling Leaves”.
Directions:
Place
a leave on a table.
Lay a
sheet of white paper on the top of a leave.
Then
gently press and rub it with a flat side of a crayon.
Cut it
out and glue.
Repeat
the process several times using different color crayons.
17.Make a collage
“A Wonderful World With Happy Kids”. Materials: piece of paper to glue on, glue, seizures, any pictures and materials you wish to use.
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