Communicate with Your Child - Talking Tips

"Balloon" by Basia P., 2010

A fundamental element of discipline is to find a way how to communicate with your child in order to teach the child to talk to the others. Here are some talking tips:

• Before giving your child a direction, in order to catch her/his attention, bend to your child's eye level and make an eye-to-eye contact. Train your child how to focus, e.g. "Barbara, 1, 2, 3 eyes on me. I need your ears for the cheers." Offer the same body language when listening to the child. Be sure not to make the eye contact too extreme that your child identifies it as controlling rather than connecting.
• Use short sentences. You need to learn listen too. The easy way is to listen and take the notes of children’s conversation. When you observe in your child the impartial look it means that your child does no longer understands you.
• Put the main instruction in the opening sentence. Prolong talking is a common mistake. The longer you talk, the more likely your child is loosing an interest. It gives the child the feeling that you're not sure what you want to say.
• Ask your child to repeat the request back. If the child is not able to do it, it means that it is ether too long or too complicated.
• Use your child's name to personalize your request, e.g. "Barbara, will you please..."
• Make an offer the child can't reject and reason it, e.g. "Barbara, get dressed so you can go outside and play." This gives her a reason to move out of her power position and do what you want her to do.
• Try to make a positive remark rather then negative, e.g. instead of "No running," say: "Inside we walk, outside we can run."
• Use “I want…” at the beginning of your instruction. It will give your child a reason for compliance rather than just an order, e.g. say "I want …you to get down" instead of "Get down." or "I want you to let Anna have a turn now." instead of "Let Anna have a turn." This works well with children who want to please but don't like being ordered.
• Use "When...then." construction. "When," which implies that you expect obedience, works better than "if," which suggests that the child has a choice when you don't mean to give him one, e.g. "When your homework is finished, then you can play the game.", "When you get your teeth brushed, then we'll begin bed story."
• Follow the simple rule: “Legs first, mouth second.” Instead of saying "Turn off the TV, it's time for dinner!" walk into the room, join in with your child's interests for a few minutes, and during a commercial break, have your child turn off the TV, and express to your child that you're serious about your request; otherwise children interpret this as a mere preference.
• Offer choices, e.g. when your daughter needs to have snicker for PE that day ask "Do you want white or pink snickers to school? Or when it is time to bed say “You prefer to put your pajamas on or brush your teeth first?"
• Speak on a child developmental level, meaning consider your child's level of understanding. For instance, a common error parents make is asking a three-year- old, e.g. instead of "Why did you do that?" say "Let's talk about what you did." The younger the child, the shorter and simpler your directives should be.
• Speak to your children socially correctly, meaning the way you want them to speak to you. Anticipate your child to be polite. Even a two-year-old can learn "please." Children shouldn't feel manners are optional.
• Speak psychologically correctly. Threats and judgmental statements are likely to put the child on the defensive. "You" messages make a child feel accused, "I" messages are non-accusing, e.g. instead "You'd better do this...," "You must...," "You need to clear the table," say "I would like....," "I am so pleased when you...," "I need you to clear the table." Don't ask a leading question when a negative answer is not an option. "Will you please pick up your coat?" Just say, "Pick up your coat, please."
• Reminders can change into nagging so easily, especially for preteens who feel being told things puts them in the slave category. You can communicate anything you need to say without saying a word. Write a humorous note for your child, sit back and watch it happen.
• When your child shouts instead of talking, let him/her do it for a second. The louder your child yells, the softer you respond. Let your child to calm down while you interpose timely comments, "I understand…" or "Can I help?" Sometimes just having a caring listener available will wind down the tantrum. If you come in at his level, you have two tantrums to deal with. Be the adult for her/him.
• Before giving your directive, restore emotional balance, otherwise you are wasting your time. Nothing is absorbed when a child is an emotional wreck.
• Repeat your message if you feel it is necessary. Children under two have difficulty internalizing your directives. Most three-year-olds begin to internalize directives so that what you ask begins to sink in. Do less and less repeating with the age of your child. Preteens regard repetition as irritating.
• Let your child complete the thought, e.g. instead of "Don't leave your mess on the table." say "Barbara, think of where you want to store your art staff." Letting the child solve a problem independently is more likely to create a lasting lesson.
• Try to create rhyme rules, e.g. “If you throw you must go.”, "If you hit, you must sit." And get your child to repeat them.
• Give your child likable alternatives, e.g. “You can't go by yourself to the park; but you can play in the neighbor's yard.”
• Give your child an advance notice, e.g. "We are leaving soon. 5 more minutes to play… 4 minutes... Time to clean up….  Say good-bye to your friend…"
• To open up an uncertain, shy child carefully choose phrases and stick to the topic that you know the child gets excited about. Ask questions which require more than Yes or No answer. Specify your question, e.g. instead of "Did you have a good day at school today?" say "What is the most fun thing you did today?"
• Use "When you…I feel…because…”, e.g. “When you hide in the store I feel worried because you might get lost.”
• Close a discussion if it is necessary, e.g. "I'm not changing my mind about this. Sorry." You'll save wear and tear on both you and your child. Control tone of your voice not to sound to bossy.