Since there are two type of
parenting styles and outcomes there are two or more right ways to discipline
and raise your children.
- Authoritarian parents - overly strict and bossy, believing in 'absolute obedience to authority' and creating children that are afraid of them and fearful of new challenges and experiences.
- Permissive parents - overly lenient, without setting any limits and creating children who are spoiled and disrespectful and unable to make their own choices. These are more likely to run into trouble with their children's future behavior.
An authoritative style of
parenting is more likely to be successful in the long run. Parents who are
authoritative set rules and limits, but explain why they are necessary and take
their children's point of view into account when making the rules. They
communicate regularly with their children and encourage them to be independent.
Another way of thinking about the
different parenting styles is that authoritarian parents are overly
controlling, permissive parents have little control over their children and
authoritative parents have just the right amount of
control.
control.
Learning how to effectively
discipline your child is an important skill that all parents need to learn.
Discipline is not a punishment. Discipline
is more about teaching your child what’s right and what’s wrong, how to respect
the rights of others, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, with a
goal of helping to develop a child who feels secure and loved, is
self-confident, self-disciplined and knows how to control his impulses, and who
does not get overly frustrated with the normal stresses of everyday life.
If you are having difficulty
disciplining your child, it is important to remember that you may not be doing
anything wrong. All children are different and have different temperaments and
developmental levels and a style of discipline that may work with other
children may not work with yours.
You should understand that how
you behave when disciplining your child will help to determine how your child
is going to behave or misbehave in the future. If you give in after your child
repeatedly argues, becomes violent or has a temper tantrum, then the child will
learn to repeat this behavior because she/he knows you may eventually give in
(even if it is only once in a while that you do give in). If you are firm and
consistent then the child will learn that it doesn't pay to fight doing what she/he
is eventually going to have to do anyway. Some children, however, will feel
like they won if they put off doing something that they didn't want to do for
even a few minutes.
Be consistent in your methods of
discipline and how you punish your child. This applies to all caregivers. It is
normal for children to test their limits, and if you are inconsistent in what
these limits are, then you will be encouraging more misbehavior.
- Stay calm and do not get carried away when your child misbehaves. Avoid yelling and screaming, since this can teach your child that it is all right to lose control if you don't get your way. If you feel like things are escalating too much, then take a break until you can regain your composure.
- Avoid too much criticism. Make sure your child understands that it is the misbehavior that you are unhappy with and that you will always love him.
- Avoid too much praise. You don't need to be continuously praising your child, especially for routine activities, because it will make your comments less effective.
- Don't focus on negatives all of the time, especially when offering positive reinforcement. It is much better to say ‘I like that you put all of your clothes away,' instead of saying ‘I like that, for once, you finally got around to putting your clothes away without my asking.'
- Avoid physical punishment. Spanking has never been shown to be more effective than other forms of punishment and will make your child more aggressive and angry.
- Remember to give rewards and praise for good behavior.
- Understand the difference between rewards and bribes. A reward is something your child receives after he has done something, while a bribe is given beforehand, to try and motivate your child to do what you want. Bribes should be avoided.
- Be a good role model.
- Most importantly, provide your child with a safe environment in which he feels secure and loved.
The following are some general
tips to help you effectively discipline your kids:
- Be consistent in your methods of discipline and how you punish your child. Your child should learn to understand that there are predictable consequences for her/his actions.
- Think ahead. Be prepared for what you are going to do and say to help your child understand the consequences of his actions. Don't just wing it, or do or say the first thing that pops into your head. You are more likely to react negatively if you haven't thought out your plan for discipline beforehand.
- Set up a daily routine for your younger children and try and stick to it each day. This should include mealtimes, snacks, bath and bedtime.
- Provide a safe environment that encourages exploration, but protects your child. For example, you can prevent your toddler from getting in trouble for opening drawers and cabinets if you have safety locks preventing them from opening.
- Set limits that are appropriate for your child's age and developmental level. Remember that you are in charge and that you will have to say ‘no' to your child sometimes. You should expect your child to cry when he does not get her/his way. This is a normal way of dealing with frustration in younger children and should be ignored. You should also ignore temper tantrums.
- Do not offer choices in situations where you child has to cooperate with your rules. For example, instead of saying “Do you want to take a bath?” you should instead say “It is time for your bath.”
- Don't give in to your child when she/he is whining, crying or having a temper tantrum. If you do, it will only teach her/him that this kind of behavior is an appropriate way to get what he wants.
- Learn to ignore minor, harmless or unimportant misbehaviors, such as fidgeting.
- Make punishments and rewards immediate. Avoid waiting more than a few minutes to provide the consequences of a behavior.
- Avoid repeating commands. You should give a command and if not followed, then you can repeat it once with a warning of what the consequences for noncompliance will be. If not followed, then apply the consequences. Do not continue to repeat the command.
- Don't argue with your child about the punishment. Ignore any protests. You can talk about it later.
- Plan ahead. If you always have difficulty in certain situations, such as shopping or having visitors, go over a plan of action beforehand. Talk about what your expectations are and what the consequences of misbehavior will be.
- Be flexible, especially with older children and adolescents. Listen and get your child's input on some rules and punishment.
- Use I - messages, instead of you – messages, e.g. say “I am upset that you didn't clean up your room.” instead of “You made me upset for not cleaning up.” You - statements can seem more accusatory and can lead to arguing.
- After disciplining your child, briefly explain the rule and what your expectations are when she/he misbehaves and explain what the proper behavior would have been.
The following discipline
techniques can help you effectively discipline your kids:
- Use distraction to get your child's attention away from inappropriate behaviors.
- Stop inappropriate behaviors with a firm “No” while looking your child in the eyes.
- Physically move your child when she/he is misbehaving, especially if the child didn't respond to your firm “No.”
- Use extinction to remove attention from undesirable actions. As long as your child can't hurt her/himself, you can walk away and not give her/him attention or an audience for acting inappropriately, especially if she/he is having a temper tantrum. Giving too much attention to your child when she/he misbehaves can reinforce bad behaviors.
- Use natural consequences (rewards) to let your child learn the results or consequences of her/his actions. For example, if she/he throws a toy out the window, then she/he can't play with it anymore.
- Use logical consequences (rewards), for example, if a child doesn't put away a bike, then you will do it, but she/he won't be able to ride it for the rest of the day. For older children, not filling the car with gas can have the consequence of not getting to use the car this week, etc.
- Use time-out to remove positive reinforcement or attention when a child misbehaves.
Withholding privileges is a very
effective discipline technique, especially for older children. Find things that
your child likes or especially enjoys (playing video games, renting movies,
going to the mall, talking on the phone), and then take it away as a
consequence for misbehaving.
The first step to better
discipline is to learn to encourage good behavior in your child. It is much
easier to reinforce good behavior than to have to try and change bad behaviors.
Here are some tips for encouraging better behavior:
- Reinforce good behavior by offering praise when a child does well and learn to pay positive attention to your child. Children seek approval for the things that they do, especially from their parents. Let your child know if she/he is following the rules or has done something, or made an effort to do something that you wanted. Give your child a hug, kiss or smile if she/he has been sitting quietly, completes a chore without problems, or is playing cooperatively. Also give verbal signs of approval, such as “Great cleaning!” or “I like when you sheared your snack with Samantha.” and expressed your concerns. Make sure to comment on specific behaviors or actions.
- Give your child choices. This allows your child some feeling of independence. For example, offer a choice between setting the table or taking out the trash.
- Make good behavior fun. Your child is more likely to comply if she/he is enjoying her/himself. For example, say “Let's see who can pick up the most toys.”
- Establish a reward system to promote good behavior.
Time-out is a very effective
discipline technique and will work with children as young as 18-24 months old.
By using this method of discipline you are giving your child time-out from
positive reinforcement (which includes any parental reaction such as yelling or
hitting) after she/he misbehaves.
- Prepare a time-out chair, which can be a chair in any room of the house, a space on the floor, the child's bed, etc… or any place where the child is isolated from interaction with others.
- Use a kitchen timer to count down your child's punishment time, which is usually one minute per year of age.
Unlike the way it is used for older
kids, time-out for toddlers is more so that you can give your child time to
regroup and calm down. A toddler will likely not sit still in a time-out chair,
even for a minute or two, and you shouldn't try to force your child to or wait
for time-out to start until she/he has been quite.
When you want your child to
follow a command, ask in a firm, but pleasant voice. Give your child about five
seconds to do what you have asked, and if the child does not, then make direct
eye contact with her/him and say "If you do not do what I asked, then you
are going to sit in time-out" (and point to time-out chair). After this
warning, if the child still does not do what you have asked, then say something
like "You have not done what I asked, so you have to go to your time-out
chair." Give these commands in a louder and firmer voice to get your
child's attention, but do not yell or get angry.
Now calmly take the child to a time-out
chair, ignoring any protests or promises she/he may make, and say "You
stay in your time-out chair until I tell you to get up." The child must
now stay in time-out until she/he has been quiet for the punishment time you
have set for her/him (usually one minute per year of age). Remember that, for
older kids who are being defiant, time-out does not begin until your child has
been quiet, even if takes several minutes or an hour. That doesn't apply to
younger toddlers and preschool age children though.
After an older child completes time-out,
then she/he should do what you had told to do or if she/he doesn’t agree to do
what you asked to do, the child should go into time-out again. Again - doesn’t
usually apply to toddlers or younger preschool age kids.
If your child leaves the time-out
chair, put her/him back in the chair and use warning "If you get out of
the chair again, I am going to remove… (a desired activity/possession, etc.)."
If the child gets up again, just put her/him back in the chair without warning
again and apply the discipline technique. If the child continues to get out of
the chair, you can consider sending her/him to a room for the time-out period
(remove all toys, TV, video games, etc…).
You should probably only pick one
or two forms of misbehavior that you will discipline with time-out when you
first start to use this method.
Remember that this is just one
method of using time-out and you will likely have to modify it to fit your own
parenting style and your child's temperament. If it isn't working for you,
especially if you are using time-out several times a day, or your child doesn't
quickly go to time-out, then you should likely look for a different discipline
technique or a different way of using time-out. Remember, it is better to
support and encourage good behavior instead of trying to eliminate bad behaviors.
Time-out can also be used outside
of the home, such as in stores, restaurants, etc. If your child often
misbehaves in a certain setting, such as the grocery store, you should stop
before entering the store and go over the rules that you expect your child to
follow. Also, give a warning about what will happen if she/he misbehaves inside
the store. If the child does break one of the rules inside the store, you
should now place her/him in time-out.
Temper tantrums are a way for
your child to express feelings of anger or frustration. While they are a normal
part of the development of toddlers, they should be occurring less frequently
after the second birthday. They usually increase when children are hungry,
tired or ill and you should try to help them cope with these situations.
You should try to ignore
attention-seeking or demanding tantrums and avoid situations that you know will
lead to a tantrum (including changes in their regular daily schedule). If you
can see that your child is getting overly frustrated and that a tantrum is
coming, you can try to distract the child and shift the attention to something
else.
Help your child to realize that
temper tantrums don't work, that they are not going to help them get out of
doing things that they need to do. For tantrums that are disruptive, you should
give your child a time-out. Remember to praise your child when she/he controls her/his
temper and cooperates with what you want your child to do and set a good
example for your child by remaining calm and not getting out of control.
How to stop biting?
Biting adults or other children
is a common behavior in most toddlers and increases when a child is tired or
frustrated. It is important to not overreact when it occurs; instead treatment
consists of teaching your child that it is not acceptable behavior.
Some steps to take when your
child bites include:
- Immediately look your child in the eye and give a firm “NO.” You may also move your child to another area for a time-out. Let your child know that it is never all right to bite another person because it hurts.
- Supervise your child closely when she/he is with other children, so that you can distract your child or interrupt any behavior that may lead to biting.
- It is important to not overreact and never bite your child back. Biting your child back or physical punishment will just reinforce that it is okay to hurt others.
- Give your child lots of praise when she/he controls biting.
No comments:
Post a Comment