Backtalk
and verbal rudeness have become all too common among today's youngsters and these
behaviors seem to bug every adult. Remarks like “I don’t care,” “I don’t need to,” "Yeah, right," "Big
deal," "I don't think so!" or "Make me" from children as young as 5 get in the way of real communication
between parents and kids, but it doesn't mean it's acceptable behavior. If you
allow backtalk to continue, negative results can spread like wildfire. At some
point the eye-rolling, the attitude, and the words to go with them will present
themselves. Fortunately, disrespectful behaviors such as whining, backtalk,
and sassiness are some of the easiest inappropriate behaviors to get rid of. When
it happens, here's what you should do when your child engages in backtalk or
verbal rudeness.
"Call Out the Backtalk on the Spot
Determine
which behaviors you consider disrespectful so that your child is clear on what
you expect. All kids slip every once in a while, but is there a disrespectful
word, phrase, or body gesture your child is using fairly frequently? That's the
behavior you can target. And whenever your child does display this behavior,
name it on the spot. Here are a few examples of how other parents have done
this. Notice how their message addresses only the disrespectful behavior and
not the child's character:
"When I talk to you, you roll your eyes. It looks disrespectful, and you need to stop."
"Telling me to 'chill out' when I talk to you is unacceptable. You may not talk that way."
"You use a complaining voice whenever you want something. You need to use a more respectful tone."
Refuse to Engage When Your Kid Talks
Back
Studies
in child development reveal that kids are much more likely to stop talking back
if they see it's ineffective in getting attention. So stay neutral and don't
respond. Don't sigh, shrug your shoulders, or look exasperated. Also do not
coax, bribe, or scold; such tactics almost never work and will probably just
escalate the behavior. If you must, look at something else or, if all else
fails, go lock yourself in the bathroom. Just refuse to continue the
conversation until your child stops talking back – and be sure to respond in
this way every time. Usually when kids see you are not going to give in,
they will stop. Here are a few examples:
"Stop. Telling me I don't know anything is disrespectful. We'll talk when you talk right."
"I don't listen to sass. If you want to talk to me, talk respectfully. I'll be in the other room."
"We'll talk when you can listen respectfully without rolling your eyes and smirking."
If Backtalk Continues, Set a
Consequence
Suppose
that you've been clear with your expectations, yet the sass and back talk
continue. Now it's time to set a consequence for the rudeness. Effective
consequences are clear to the child, have a specific duration, relate directly
to the disrespectful deed, and fit the kid. Once you set it,
consistently enforce it, and don't back down! For repeat offenders,
it's best to develop a written plan that is signed by all involved and readily
accessible. One more thought: do consider letting your child participate in
creating her own consequences; they often are much harsher than ones you'd set.
Many moms have told me they've had success in eliminating backtalk by having
their child repeat a phrase more respectfully at least ten times.
For example, "Yeah, right" would be repeated using the correct tone that says, "Yes, I will, Mom."
For example, "Yeah, right" would be repeated using the correct tone that says, "Yes, I will, Mom."
Encourage Respectful Behavior
One
of the simplest ways to increase the frequency of a behavior is to reinforce it
when we see our child doing it right. Studies have shown, however, that the
majority of the time we do the opposite: instead of catching our kids being
respectful, we point out when they are acting incorrectly. So any time you see
or hear your child practicing respectful behaviors, acknowledge them and
express your pleasure. Here are a few examples:
"Danny, I like that respectful tone."
"Jenny, thank you
for listening so politely when I was talking."
"That's a nice
voice, Kelly. Good for you for remembering how to say your words right."
"I know that you were frustrated, Tyler, but you didn't swear that time. It's hard changing a bad habit, but you're really trying."
"I know that you were frustrated, Tyler, but you didn't swear that time. It's hard changing a bad habit, but you're really trying."
You can open the link below or read the abstract I pasted for you above:
http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/bad-habits/40179.html?page=2&detoured=1
I
also recommend some good books to read:
“Backtalk: 4 Steps to
Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids” by Audrey Ricker
“Raising Respectful
Children in a Disrespectful World” by Jill Rigby
Thank you for your great statement.
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