Pet Loss and Child’s Grief

Basia with Terrence, 2013

Children respond to death different way as adults do. Their normal reaction is more natural, inquisitive and diverse. How the child responds depends on the strength of the bond with a pet, as well as child’s age and developmental stage. We may be astonished how much our child does know about death. The universal subject of passing away is known to a child through fairy-tales, legends, TV, movies, or schoolmates and friends.

Basia with Terrence, 2013

The death of a child’s beloved pet matters a great deal in child’s life. It is often the first death experienced by a child. Children naturally develop strong attachments to companion animals, relating them often as siblings, playmates, and even imaginary protectors. Although children experience grief differently than adults, they do grieve. They need support and guidance to understand their loss, to mourn that loss, and to find ways to remember and memorialize their deceased loved one. Children look to us for guidance in word as well action. The death of a beloved pet presents an emotional stress, even for a well-adjusted adult. Thus, it is important for adults to access grief supports for themselves, in order to deal with their emotions and be more effective parents for their children. Also, we must avoid projecting our own over concerns on a child, creating problems that would not have otherwise existed. Children see tears and grief, and they learn from total immersion what grief means. We shouldn’t try to protect them from the reality, but let them share their feelings and hear something about ours, to a reasonable degree - according to their maturity and ability to understand. This will help them to know that grief is normal and is acceptable, in whatever loss they are experiencing. We should teach the kids that ultimately, all life is change and growth. That is a very hard lesson to learn, but a necessary one. They need to understand that tears in a loving and understanding environment can help people get past the worst of the sadness. And through experience they will later learn that time will always help make things feel better. How the whole situation is handled will remain with the child for the rest of his or her life.

Hamster Terrence and Basia, 2014

Age Developmental Stages of Grieving

2-3 Year Olds…

… do not have the life experiences to understand death. They should be told the pet has died and will not return. It is important that they be reassured that they did not do or say anything to cause the death. Children at this age may not understand what death really means, but they will sense and copy your emotions and behavior. Note that it is good to cry and show your own feelings of grief, but these must be controlled and perceived as a normal response to the loss of a loved one. Extra reassurance, as well as maintaining usual routines will help the child. At this age a child will usually accept a new pet very easily.

Terrence, 2013

4-6 Year Olds…

…usually have some understanding of death but may not comprehend the permanence of it. They may even think the pet is asleep or continuing to eat, breathe and play. They may also feel that past anger towards their pet, or some perceived bad behavior was responsible for its death. Manifestations of grief may include a change in playing, eating and sleeping habits. Through frequent, brief discussions allow the child to express feelings and concerns. Give extra reassurance. Drawing pictures and writing stories about their loss may be helpful. Include the child in any funeral arrangements.

Basia with Terrence, 2014

7-9 Year Olds…

… know that death is irreversible. They do not normally think this might happen to them, but they may be concerned about the death of their parents. They are very curious and may ask questions that appear morbid. These questions are natural and are best answered frankly and honestly. At this age they may manifest their grief in many ways, such as school problems, anti-social behavior, somatic or physical concerns, aggression, and withdrawal or clinging behavior. It is important that they be reassured that they did not do or say anything that caused the death.

Terrence, 2014

Basia for her Terrence, 2014

10-11 Year Olds…

… are usually able to understand that death is natural, inevitable and happens to all living things. They often react to death in a manner very similar to adults, using their parent’s attitude as their model. A pet’s death can trigger memories of previous losses of any kind, and this should always be open for discussion.

Basia with Terrence, 2013

Adolescents…

… react similarly to adults. However, the typical adolescent span of expression can range from apparent total lack of concern to hyper-emotional. One day they want to be treated like an adult, and the next day they need to be reassured like a young child. Peer approval is also very important. If friends are supportive, it is much easier for them to deal with a loss. Also, keep in mind that an adolescent is trying to find his or her own true feelings, and may be prone to conflict with a parent on how to express feelings and grief, at this time. It is important to avoid antagonisms over this.

Terrence, 2013

Young Adults…

… can hardly be called children, the loss of a pet in this age group can be particularly hard. They may also have feelings of guilt for abandoning their pets when leaving home for college, work or marriage. There may have been a very close relationship with that pet since early childhood. Among other pressures experienced after the departure from home, this can add additional stress. Due to geographical distances, they are often unable to return to the family home to say goodbye to the pet or participate in family rituals associated with the loss.